Bear with me there, this will be a long one
I already covered the main part of that update in a recent journal "Big changes. Commissions get limited for some time
" and you can jump to that if you want the raw facts, but I wanted to get some stuff off my chest here, because hey, unfortunately real life affects my art, eh eh?
As you may know, I try to separate my real life as much as possible from my art activities, but unfortunately I can't yet disassemble my mind from my clumsy body to live forever inside of Photoshop, so both worlds merge into the guy writing this
And that guy is not perfect and he is flawed and his name is Raphael and on the Internet he operates as Fox. (now I sound like I have a split personality disorder
So I wanted to give you some background story and my thoughts on one particular subject, that's rare
. This is not some stupid drama whining, at least I hope this doesn't sound like one, this is me trying to find a solution while coming to terms with myself.
First of all, I wanted to remind you that I am deeply grateful for all the stuff that you do for me and all the support I am getting no matter what, and none
of what was going on was your fault, it was my
I do not wish to discourage you from ordering art from me either, lol. That would be ridiculous. Please read it all and understand where I'm coming from.
I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but in recent months I felt that I need to slow down on the art business and focus back on my self-development.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean abandoning art, quite the opposite. I mean slowing down with the commission side of things to focus back on the creative side.
But what got me into commissions in the first place? My dream of living the life of self-sustained artist, and I shit you not, this was harder than you could expect, but at the end of the day I could call myself successful.
In order to achieve that and then sustain that, I had to dive into the endless spiral of freelance work. I can hear you crying out loud; "But Fox, this is how you earn for a living, you do your work and you get shit done!"
I get that. I know that. I love my "job"
. And that's not my point.
My point is, that due to how real life works, I was suddenly under too much pressure.
I had more and more bills to take care of. Perhaps I was spending too much as well.
And due to that, I was taking too much work on to my shoulders.
Due to how my creative process works, and how insecure I feel while working on orders, my commissions usually are counter-creative. And let me get to my point, I am not "hating" on commissions, I am grateful as fuck to each and every one of my clients.
I am hating on my stupid limited capabilities in creative field that leave me with the feeling that people "expect" certain style from me, certain FoxInShadow feel to it. On top of that, with too many orders at the same time I felt more like "producing" the artwork rather than truly "creating" it. You get what I mean?
I allowed that to happen because I had to make ends meet, simple as that.
But what I am always wishing for, is to be able to provide the work that I am 100% happy with.
And that wasn't always the case. If I was rushing things, even if only to give 99% of my potential, that was already unfair to my audience, to myself, and to my self image.
Perhaps I am being too critical of myself right now, but my main concern always is to provide top notch quality while striving to get better and I felt stuck
, like if I completely abandoned and disregarded creative progress.
This led me not only to much stress, but also to never-ending delays in my orders, for which I can't be sorry enough. From the bottom of my heart, sorry everyone that keeps waiting for their pieces, everything will be sorted out.
But up to this point I only kept on listing the reasons of my creative art block, let's talk about solutions.
The obvious solution was to lower my bills to stop fueling the spiral of expenses. And in a way, I have put an end to this. I still have expenses, hell I am not giving up on commissions which I really love doing, don't get me wrong. I repeat, I don't want to discourage you from ordering them. They will be even better, I hope.
What I am giving up is not the point, I'm here not to whine about how hard and sacrificing it is to be a freelancer blah blah blah bullshit, I'm here to look at the bright side of things.
Because with less on my mind, I am able to focus on keeping my process fun and thorough, I will be providing better and better pieces again and I'll be able to pick up my personal work once more while taking care of all my commissions on time.
Did you know that I have an entire folder full of half assed personal pieces which were abandoned for months because I was that much burnt out? Not to mention my pile of untouched ideas. This is how bad last few months have been.
I wish that art wasn't that much connected with mental state, but it is.
My last final wish is that from now on I'm going to once more feel fulfilled about what I do, how
I do this and how I provide my art. No rushing things. Quality over quantity. And most of all, progressive personal artwork and progressive, creative commissions.
Perhaps the ordering process is going to gain new details as well, I don't know at that point.
All I know is that I am not going anywhere.
I am back.