In a way, I am sorry for bringing this whole thing up. If you've been following me for a while, you know that what I hate the most is bringing up personal matters into my online art life. But nobody is perfect, and trying to separate my personal life from my art life will always fail in the long run. And things got too far this time around.
This is going to be a long one too, for which I am also sorry, but this has been long time coming.
I don't really know how to properly put this into words, but I'll try anyway. For the past few months my art job has been taking bigger and bigger toll on me, my health and well-being, and it's been also reflecting in the quality of my art itself.
I stopped progressing and experimenting, I got absolutely repetitive and bored with art, but on the other hand I've also set the standards for myself way too high. And don't even get me started on my terrible workflow, which has been a complete mess for the past few years; artwork taking way too long to be completed, lack of proper linearting and speedpainting techniques and my unhealthy obsession with perfectionism, which has been causing me to be overly critical about the aspects of my work which I shouldn't be critical about.
Now before you start thinking that it's some art block or creativity burnout or something like this; that is not entirely the case here. I am flourishing with ideas that I never act out.
I am so busy with the... the work
aspect of my art, that I don't even have enough time for the creative aspect of my art.
I've been stuck in this toxic circle of workaholism for the past few years.
Yes, I've said it, I am most likely a workaholic. This does not make me a wonderful, efficient and successful art enterpreneur. That only means that I take too much work on my shoulders and then I struggle to keep up.
Saying all of this is not going to give me any good publicity, in fact it's a terrible move to publicly admit ones own shortcomings. But I am done being dishonest with myself. I tried to fix all of this. I tried to hide this. I tried to deny it and work the everyday work to better myself through steady progress.
But each time I am falling back into the abyss, this fucking state of fake and lazy self-acceptance, the "I am going to play The Pretend Game for a few more months and then surely everything will get back to normal"
kind of self-acceptance.
One "symptom" of this was my 366 Days of Art personal challenge
, yet another thing that I am failing terribly at as I type this. Today is the 234th day of the year, and so far I have only completed 100 or so daily artwork pieces. Because I thought that forcing myself even harder is going to fix me.
Same for my ask blogs, which were all abandoned sooner or later. I have a big problem with completing the things that I start.
Then, while I was thinking that it's just a temporary art block, the health problems started.
I have a tendency to belittle or ignore my own problems because I think that if I push harder and harder, they are going to magically
disappear at some point.
Which caused me to fuck up my right wrist, my drawing hand. Now I am taking all means necessary to un-fuck my wrist back to normal, but it's been really bad for the past few weeks, to the point where it's been getting swollen and causing me some serious pain.
And it wasn't caused by some random injury, no. I managed to do this to myself only by staying in front of my computer all day every day, and never taking necessary breaks from work.
That was the point at which I realized that this was a bigger issue than just a creativity struggle, and that brings me to typing out this journal. I believe you have a right to know about this.
Art is literally my life. I can not simply take a year-long health break and fly to the Bahamas to sip cold drinks and recover my art hand. But this was indeed a wake-up call that made me realize that I should slow down to think about myself.
So it's not that simple. I can't and I won't disappear because I can't afford it, and even if I could I would not want to. But things will have to change.
I am not entirely sure what exactly I can do, because on top of all that I already said, I am also struggling with multitude of personal issues that I would rather not bring up here. All you have to know is that I've made a lot of sacrifices recently, and yet I still haven't managed to escape my workaholism. So this might be a mindset issue.
Perhaps this is the point at which I should rethink my business strategies, because talking about personal health would be much easier if not for the ever-looming threat of financial instability.
And before you tell me to simply "spend less, lmao"
; well the food and rent bills easily take up about 80% of my income, and I have some other unplanned bills to pay too. And I'd hate to have to pay for a hand treatment on top of my already existing expenses, but if the worse comes to worst, then this might also happen.
Public health care system in Poland is a steamy pile of horse shit. You might wait years to see a medical specialist "for free". But you can also pay the same specialist to see them in a private clinic literally next week. But all of this is so mind-bogglingly expensive that I don't even want to think about this for now.
So I am not exactly looking for a financial advice or anything like that, nor am I asking for any extra support (yet). I've only wanted to let you know why I've recently slowed down again, and that there are some... inner demons that I have to fight.
But most importantly, I wanted to apologize to those of you who could've been affected by all of this. My health is clearly telling me to slow down, so unfortunately you'll have to wait some more for everything to get finished. Everything will be completed sooner or later. It will.
Please don't think that I am looking for excuses, or for anyone to pat me on the back. I am very critical of myself, and more than anything I am pissed at myself for allowing this to happen for too long now.
I guess that now I will keep on doing what I'm always doing, except this time without wrecking myself both mentally and physically.
If my hand does not heal and instead gets worse again, then you guys will be the first people to know. I do not have to take any extra measures just yet, and I really hope I won't have to.
If you have any suggestions for me or even some words of critique, then feel free to call me out on my bullshit. I am at a loss right now, and some insight from someone else's perspective might help me more than you might think.